It has been a while……..

I went to check this blog early this morning, logged in and tried to see if I have comments or personal messages. Then all of a sudden I decided to check if I still have readers. I was trying not to do it because I don’t want to see a dwindling statistic but surprise of surprises, I still have readers.

I decided to create a post for my LiveJournal account to explain why it has been a while since the last post. Below is the entry. Within the day, I will also try to write as much as I can since I am on a holiday from work. Yey, long weekend!

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I have been on a hiatus for a while. The main reason is that I have a new job and I am still in the process of getting used to the new office hours and the new nature of the job. 

Let me share something. 

Since the closure of Intel Technology Philippines, I have been trying to enter the BPO Industry but it is just now that I find something that provided me with a pay that is sufficient enough for me to get by. Initially I wanted to join the IT industry but to be honest I am not much of a technical person so that must be the reason why it isn’t working out as I want it to. I have the option to join the semiconductor industry again but I have limited my options to Mandaluyong, Ortigas and Makati areas only.

After a lot of waiting from my first two choices, I went ahead to accept this job. I have so many concerns with it before I even started the job. I have a lot of assumptions on what it will be. So you see, before I can be consumed by any other thing, being or situation, I  will be eaten up alive by myself. I am my worst enemy.

One of the best things about this job is that I went through six weeks of product training before the total immersion to the production floor. That helped me to ready myself to a lot of things. 

Now, I am in my third week out in the battle field. I have a couple of distractions but I hope I don’t let it show that its affecting me. I have my sister who this time is my sounding board. She is shocked at times with the things that I tell her. Shocked in the sense that she is amazed that I still dont know of some things. The thing I always tell her is that I have been in a totally different industry before. And the people there, if ever they do “abnormal” things, they are so subtle and they do it with so much finesse that others will not know about it until such time that they will take a “wrong” step that will render them discovered. And yeah, the culture difference. 

I dont deny the fact that I do not like where I am now but I will not let this go without a fight. I will try all my hardest to make it work. From the last experiences that I have had, I have learned to study the work, see my options for the future, and see if that is okay for me to work with. So little by little I do that in this new line of work alongside knowing how to get things done, polish my personal process and try doing it efficiently. I am in the stage of my life where I want progress. I was close to that before but because of some unforeseen circumstances, I was placed at the starting point again. I really don’t mind because I believe my big break will come one day, if not soon.

Another Job Bites The Dust

I dont know but I always accidentally stumble upon inspirational messages that are very apt for me at that very instant. Earlier, I was watching step-up 3 for no particular reason. It was a feel good movie. I wanted to feel good. And then, before the end, there was these series of sentences that one of the characters started to spew. Let me share them with you.

You know, some famous guy one said, “To travel is better than to arrive.” I was like “What?” Because I used to think that there is only one path to take to where you wanna get to be in life. But if you choose that one path, it doesn’t mean you have to be in all the other ones. I realized that, its actually what happens along the way that counts. The stumbles, the falls and the friendships. Its the journey, not the destination. You just kind of, I guess, trust that the future will work itself out like the way its supposed to. 

I have the same initial outlook in life. That there is only one right path to tread on to being that someone you wanted to become from the very beginning. Only one path. After some introspection, I have realized that this is the main reason for my being very frustrated. With myself, with my career. As I have said before, I am very ambitious. But somewhere along the way, I lost something that I forgot what my goals in life were. I was astray. I am still astray. Especially now that I have yet to lose another job due to the great recession.

However, as I was trying to find my next job, I was offered help by many. I realized that I gained a lot of additional friends from where I am now. More people treasures. In other words, I have a better, wider network.  A great one. I am tougher. I  became tougher. I have been toughened by the circumstances that which I was forced to go through. So, there was  no regret here because I gained a lot from this.

These past three weeks have been crazy! This week was the craziest! But I am proud of myself for handling it better than how I handled losing a job before. A circumstance dictated by something which I don’t have any control of. Though I admit, I am under a lot of stress lately, the reaction that I have gotten from myself was better. I know It will be very hard to find another job wherein the stress factor is very manageable, where the bosses are super and where good friendships were built. But the thing is, life has to move on, we have to move on.

As what the character in the story has said, we will go through trials in life. It’s normal. And there will be a lot of them. This situation that I am in right now, is just one of the many. Actually, this has happened to me a couple of times already that it has become a part of my emotional maturity process.

Right now, I am praying for guidance, that I may have a clearer understanding of what I really want in life. Though there are already two things that are clear to me. I want to work here in my homeland and I wanted to pursue Masters of Technology Management in UPLB. Mostly, I want to be guided in the next decisions that I have yet to do, which I know will have a great impact to my future. Losing a job is hard but having faith (that everything will be back to normal soon) and hope (that the next one will be better) can get you through the tides and bring you back to shore.

Wimbledon

This post is inspired by one of the movies that I watched until the wee hours of Monday morning. I can somehow relate to what the lead male character was going through. Though he was a little bit older than I am, I feel like we are of the same age considering all the things I have to go through until this very day.

I have watched the movie a couple of times already and I’ve watched it from the beginning to the end, no shortcuts. That is how much I like the movie. What is very good with it is, before the lead character finally retires from professional tennis, he was able to get the biggest prize, the Wimbledon title.

I myself am going through a lot. And watching this kind of movies somehow inspires me, but it will only have a little effect and it is not the lasting kind. Give me a day or a couple of hours at the least and I’m back to my pitiful self. I always ask myself, what happened to the ambitious girl that I was a few years back? Where has she gone to?

In one of my conversations with an officemate she said, “She is still there, but because you are living the good life, she may have been stagnant for a while. Because you have all that you want already.” She even quoted a saying that I liked, ‘A wonderful life is the worst enemy of an extraordinary life.’ I wish this were true. But no, I don’t have what I want and I really don’t have a wonderful life.

I have so much to write that can tell you how frustrated I am of my situation now, of myself. So much I cannot tell in a single page of paper. Anyways, what I plan to do in the immediate future is to stop sulking and make do with what I have, what I was given. Today, I’m going to finish my application paper for UP MTM. 

Wanted: Saleslady

NOTE: This draft was made last April 24, 2010. I have just had the time to finish it, in the midst of all the chaos I am in now, with the packing and cleaning and all..

 

I have been out of the workforce for quite some time and have been trying to find some money generating activity but the search isn’t ending as I would want it so far.Good work was evading me like I have some sickness with no cure for it. I have this potential job now but I will be hearing from them this week if I will be scheduled for the offer or not. I hope I will be receive good news by tomorrow (today is April 27, 2010).

I have never really dreamt that one day I will be an engineer dealing more with physics than human physiology or psychology that is. People who know me can attest to that. They know that all I ever wanted to be after finishing high school was to join the nursing community.

When I was a little younger, my mom told me that a nurse can pass as a flight stewardess. She told me stuff about the job and the perks that come with it. So you can deduce from this as well as I did that it was one of her dreams. This can be the reason why she initially pursued the nursing profession. This remains to be an assumption since I really am not sure, I have not asked her to verify my deduction.

Growing up, I shared that “dream with her. I may have known since I was small that I love travelling. That if I have the means to, I will always go out to see the beauty of the world. For a time, being a stewardess was the dream, the vision. One problem though, there were no plans put into place to achieve it.

When I was 2-5 years old, my father used to bring me to his workplace but I didn’t realize then that being a nurse will be one of those that will be included on the can-be list, the list of potential future profession. I enjoyed some of the time that I spent there but there were gray days as well that up to now I can’t forget. But what triggered me to consider being a nurse?

When I was in high school, a part of the schedule during Sundays was a ride to the school dormitory. On the way, I can see the Mental Health Unit where my father used to work. I always look forward to seeing the facility as I pass by. I look at it intently. From that anticipation, I have woven my dream of becoming a nurse.

Fast forward, the odds were against me so I grabbed an opportunity that was given and I ended up becoming an engineer.  A seminar once forced me to learn that it is never too late for one to pursue a past love or find a new love. So in the course of my soul searching, I thought if I were given my way, I would have been a fictional writer or a professional shopper or a cook or a craftsman or I may have gone to beauty school and become a beautician or took up journalism and become a novelist or a staff at some fabulous publication or a psychology graduate or a medicine student or a law student and many more. I can be two or three or more of the things I have mentioned or I could have been married a year ago and am now happily taking care of a husband a cute kid.

So desperation and perspiration has come with my soul searching and the very long vacation that I have had. So one time, after a class while I was talking to friends while walking to our MRT ride, we saw an advertisement looking for a salesperson for a mini specialty store. The ad says “Wanted: Sales Lady.” My friend was laughing while he suggested why I don’t apply for the job since it was so scarce that time.

His remark made me reminisce the plans that I have had when I was still studying. I wanted to become a part of the working student community of the school I went to but I was inhibited from doing so because of scholarship rules. I wanted to become a Jollibee or Shakey’s staff but due to the ever changing crew schedule, the vast extracurricular and academic activities made me decide against pursuing it. With this previous outlook about life, wanting to experience everything about it, I really gave it a thought but before we were done with our train ride, I politely said I can’t.

I am an ever hopeful, ever optimistic person that never ever forgets to think about the best out of everything and that I make do with what I have, always. Even though I was very near the state of being destitute, I believed that sooner or later, I will find the right job or that right job will find me. So, with I being very hopeful, the search for a great job is still on.

My Caronia Model Dream

When I was younger, we had a grocery store where I remember to have spent most of my childhood period. We basically lived on top of the grocers. During those times, most of the preferences I had were always influenced by my mother.

She has this penchant for jewelries, I also have that. She likes the beach, so do I. She loves to eat, and as evidenced by my built, I also do. All the things that she does intrigue or shall we say interest me. Because she really doesn’t have the luxury to go to the salon, most of the time she requests for home service, meaning, the manicurist has to go to our place. Oftentimes, I was there. I can’t really remember when I stopped being just a spectator of the nail-cleaning process and basically joined-in as a customer myself.

I remember that I was so fascinated by the half-moon design that I started doing it to my own nails. I bought the tools that were needed for the experiment from our friendly neighborhood dry market. The tools being the pusher, cuticle remover, nail polish in platinum and another bottle in rosy hue. I must have also known of acetone then but I can vividly remember using the cutter from school to scrape off the results of some unsuccessful experiments. Scary but it worked for me.

These reminiscing were started by what I said last night when I was with new found friends. In the middle of a very nice conversation, while I was staring at my Simply Red nail polish by Caronia, I just blurted out that once when I was a child, one of my dreams was to become a Caronia model. Two of them started to laugh at me. Oh well, that is what I get for giving voice to a random thought.

One of my girlfriends had said that earlier, while I was trying out all the red polish at the store, she had thought that I have got really nice nails and hands that made her think of Sharon Cuneta. Coincidently, that was what my nanny used to tell me, that I have got nice candle-like fingers like that of the Megastar.

So here goes a picture of my nails, with my new polish on. I applied them yesterday while I was in the office.

Ogie Alcasid and Regine Velasquez Wedding

Since the public declaration of this two or since the rumors started spreading that they were together, I really did not know what my reaction should be. I pulled all the restraints that I can mutter but then again, I could not help myself from feeling negative about the relationship. I loved Regine dearly, don’t get me wrong. I love her until now but that was marred by the things that have been said of her. Home wrecker, “mang-aagaw” and a lot more adjectives.

However, now, after seeing the photos and more importantly the videos of the wedding especially the vows, I thought I should have trusted my instincts. That there must have been more than what I have heard in the news, that breaking a family was not their real intention. If Michelle Van Eimeren, the previous wife of Ogie Alcasid, can accept the union of the two, what more of I, a spectator, a fan. I so like what Michelle has said in one of her interviews, that life is too short for us to hold on to bad feelings.

Discovering the videos was super emotional for me. I was crying the whole two hours, replaying the videos over and over and over again. Even sending a short message to a friend telling her that my heart had softened towards the now Mr and Mrs Alcasid.

Though I have not gone through the situation they have been, I can identify from the emotions Regine exuded in the words she said and in the facial expressions and gestures she displayed. I wanted to write the whole vow she had in here but decided to post the lines that really got me and decided to add the links of the videos of the wedding.

One of the first things she mentioned:

“Nung dumating ka sa buhay ko, pagod na ako, malungkot na ako”

I feel for her. Living the life that they have, she must have crave for more than familial love and was longing for that someone who will fill the void that had been secretly eating  her.

I loved it when she sang some parts of her vow, quoting The Apo:

Hindi ko malimutan kung kailan nagsimulang

Matutong ikaw lang ang mahalin

At di ko malimutan kung kailan ko natikman

Ang tamis ng iyong halik

Yakap na napakahigpit

Pag-ibig mong tunay

Hanggang Langit

The lines she said that greatly affected me and made the tears flooding rather than them being just droplets:

“Naging mahirap ang simula natin. May mga pagkakataon na sumuko ako. Patawad, Mahal. Hindi ko naman kasi alam na ito pala ang sukli sa lahat ng paghihirap na yun. Mabuti na lang at hindi ka sumuko, Maraming salamat”

This is so very related to the lines that my good friend has sent me yesterday:

‎”Love may not give us the answers to our problems nor provide food for the table. But human as we are we must let our heart beat even if its for the worst/bad-ass/selfish person that our hearts chose. It may hurt but in the next few years you would be happy that you have loved…” – Nina Yusay

Good for Regine and Ogie it ended well for the both of them.

Then she said of the what if:

“Sabi ko nga kay Lord, kung hindi lang rin ikaw, ayoko nang magmahal. Kasi ayoko na nang iba, kasi ikaw lang ang gusto ko.”

And her closing words were:

I Love You, I have never been so happy in all my life, Thank you.

 

Marriage Video

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qHGww53RyzE

 

Vows:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VP70Ga0ysdE&feature=related

 

Photos:

Rajo Laurels Blog

When I was a Child

These past few days have been full of reminiscing. I remembered when I was in grade school I was under the impression that after the sixth grade, schooling ends.  That after school, I thought of myself becoming what my Mom was, an entrepreneur. I wanted to be just like her because then, business was good. I cant vividly remember when I became aware that there are higher levels of schooling such as highschool and college, but I think it was not later than the third grade. I can still remember how I was after knowing it, I was standing with my mouth agape, unbelieving..hahahhah! That was really funny. What was I thinking?

I was too consumed with my world that I was impenetrable. Then what I only wanted was to play. I usually go home for lunch but I especially enjoy the days when I get to eat at school. Eating at school means more time to play! Chinese garter, “kick” and jackstone are my sport. I can not forget this one time that I skipped classes just to play with a child younger than me. We ate lunch at my Lola’s and I didnt go to the school in the afternoon. I dont know until now how my father found out, but he fetched me from my Lola’s and it was one of those many spangking days.

You see, my father was the disciplinarian. Then, I really hate it when he was home. Can you imagine a child with a hateful that switches with a scared-as-a-pussycat  expression for the anger and fear of being spanked when I was not following father’s orders? I am like that when my father was around. When he was home, he used to make us take naps in the afternoons. He also make us eat veggies and was strict in implementing that we should be home before 6PM or else.

My mother on the other hand was the spoiler. We always have what we wanted and I think it would have remained that way if we were still monetarily liquid as before.  Things were pretty easier with her. She has not spanked me as far as I can remember. I super love my Mom!

I cannot remember being the sole daughter. Eversince I was aware of the things around me, Diane was also there but what is weird is that I cant remember having had a conversation with her. We each have our toys to play with, we each have playmates or did she have even one? The only interaction with her that I know of is when we were in high school already.  She may be there during eating and TV time, but I really don’t have any clear memory.

I have mentioned TV and games, so let me describe a typical weekend for me. Most of the time I will be playing with friends but usually it starts with TV in the mornings and what we look forward to usually are Batibot, ThunderCats,Care Bears,E-Woks, My Little Pony and others which I find so interesting then. The Sineskwela, MathTinik and Power Rangers were famous later during the senior elementary years.  I almost forgot, we usually go malling during the weekends. Its hard being with father but was so enjoyable with mother. Mom always mention that when we were a lot younger, we usually go to the beach every weekends. Recently I have realized that I love water, this may be an old love that  started by the frequent excursions that we had when we were a lot younger.

Done with the activities, let me discuss what we usually eat. There were always fried meat every meal. That is for the young ones. In the mornings, my favorite breakfast would include corned beef, scrambled eggs, tocino or hotdogs. During lunch and dinner, there will always be vegetables but with that are fried meat and I always eat the fried ones only, maybe a little of the veggie broth. It was just only when I went to boarding school (high school) that I learned how to eat vegetables. I didnt have a choice.

Every week, we have new clothes. Mom was fond of buying metered cloth and have them tailored for me and Diane. This may be the reason why I like clothes but cannot be that expressive because of the weight issue. I also like jewelries. It was just now that I averted to using silver accessories because it is very impractical to wear the gold ones in Manila, you’ll be made a thief magnet. These passion for clothes and jewelries were some of the influences that my mom had on me. Also when I was in my pre-elementary to elementary days, my mom used to have us join parades where we were usually dolled-up so I was exposed to make-up, shoes, accessories and dresses very early.

I really believe that what we are now is a by-product of the experiences that we had when we were younger. We may at times be aware or unaware of this, but it is true. This for now will be the end of it. More childhood experiences, the ones during my 5th to 6th grade experiences. That I think were not as cute as when I was a lot younger but then they were the experiences that catapulted me to be the person that I am now.

SUICIDAL

 

Trials and tribulations just dont stop
Do they?
They are there to mold us as better persons
They are there to teach us learnings of life
The hard way….

Sometimes I cannot take it anymore
The problem has brought me to the hilts of my sanity
It made me have thoughts that need none but action
Thoughts like, giving up is the easiest escape
That ending it,is the answer….

During these times with these thoughts hanging around
I just play the role
You cannot see that I am troubled
You cannot see that I am hurting
Until the breakdown…

I get sick
Sick of work, sick of people, sick of situations
I want to escape
Be far from everything
But it isnt just that simple…

Even how far you may go
Even to the very ends of the world
The problem will still be in your tails
It will continue to be in pursuit of you
Because, it is still there, unresolved…

No one can blame me for having these ideas
It is in our nature
Escape!
I am just following my intuition
What my gutt-feel tells me…

But, let me have this clear
Even how bad things may turn out to be
Even how bad the world may be to me
I still have reasons to live
I am not suicidal…

MY MOST TENDENCIES

Each of us has certain characteristics or unique ways that
defines us and separates us from the rest.
People may know this to themselves or they may be devoid of the knowledge
but it is visible to everyone else
Let me share those I have that are visible to me

For one, I tend to overthink
This is what’s bad about me
Especially when the situation at hand requires analysis,
I often fail because of over analyzation

A byproduct of overthinking I tend to be pessimistic
I hate failures, who wants them right?
Like most of us, I view failure as a sign of weakness
And I dont like to be tagged as weak

Another, I am short tempered
Although I have developed some form of patience
There are times that I just boil
Contained or non-contained but still boiling

Though people should beware when I am in no mood
I tend to say things that in the end I really dont mean
But its too late for me to take it back
For the tongue lashing has passed

I am too concerned
I am concerned of how everyone perceives of the things I do
The picture here is that i want to please everybody
To the point that I am not anymore being true to myself

People thinks I am snobbish
That I am bossy
I may at times want to get my way with about everything
But I dont mean any harm, I do things when I think it will be for teh good of everybody

I do look bossy, I do look mean
But actually, I really want to get friendly with everyone
As I have said, I want to please everybody
But some dont get it, may also be due to I showing it the wrong way?

At this point in my life
I can say that I have improved
I have matured
I have grown

I know it does not stop just there
I have now this tendency to ask those close to me
What do you dont want about me?
Come on, spill.. I wont bite.

How does it feel to live in a made-up world?:Self knowing process

There are certain things in life that we want
and yet we cannot have
This frustrates us right?
This is a naturally occuring self-inflicted pain process

For myself, in order to counter the effects of this frustrations
I unconsciously and most often consciously recreate an environment
where everythings pro me
Meaning, everything happens as how my heart-brain tandem dictates

At first these are just reveries
But the long term effects of these things are that
I end up believing my made up situations/scenarios
I am living it

The effects??
I start hurting again, cause then I am forced to realize that I am
living in a fictional world created by me
Hows that for short term fix??

I could have accepted the fact at its occurence
Why prolong the agony?
I dont know really, I was used to recreating things in my mind
Things that could have been convenient for everybody
Especially for me

This is how I am
I know I need to correct this
But this is how I have been coping for so long
Maybe because I know I have no one else other than
myself to help me?

I have been independent all my life
Although in my childhood years, I had my personal nanny
I would go out of the comfort zone
Just to have things go my way

Yeah, maybe this is the case
Because I so much believed in myself that I thought I can solve the problems
of the world
That when I cannot do it anymore, I pretend to be a heroin in my
dreams